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Entitlement by Steven Collier


I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but there’s been a lot of complaints about how spoiled and entitled my generation is. Now, I’m not entirely sure when this discussion began. However, I do know that one of the key points of contention has always been all the trophies we were apparently given throughout childhood in order to foster a false sense of worth. This has left all of us millennials delusional brats who suffer from feelings of unwarranted self-importance.

This is evident from all our social media accounts, where we post our every trivial thought, as though we were some sort of celebrity. Legends in our own minds, unable to engage with the world ‘cuz we’re forever glued to our phones.

Now, I couldn’t agree more that I am the scum of the Earth.

However, there are a few aspects of this argument that don’t quite hold water. Namely: all of them.

I should fix them for you.

So, strap in folks. Stevie Fresh is about to break this down. Wait. Do people even say “break it down” anymore? Oh, god. When did I get so oooooold.

No. 1  All those trophies.

This should be the easiest. All those trophies I own? There’s something probably wrong with my memory. I should probably consult my doctor. He’ll probably give me a prescription. He won’t be able to stop himself, everyone knows that people can’t resist giving things to you when you’re ENTITLED! Like that poor woman I coerce into offering free samples to me at the grocery store.

I’m a monster.


No. 2  Our Insidious Obsession with Phones

This one’s true. Literally every social media account, it’s actually a scheming millennial impersonating them. They are able to upload all those terribly embarrassing childhood photos of us by using their entitlement powers to make sure our real parents give them away.

Donald Trump’s twitter account is actually run by a guy called Kevin who crashes on my futon. Kevin’s kind of a (fill in the blank).


No. 3 Our Unrealistic Expectations of the World

This is probably true. It’s a matter of historical fact that every boomer needed 20 years of experience to get an entry level job. Most of them took unpaid internships well into their 40’s before they even thought to think they were entitled to get paid for doing work. I’m not really sure when they found the time to make all the money that they did. Was that the lost decade people always talk about…I should probably use my millennial powers into forcing the internet to give me these answers.

Although I’ll probably just forget them…like where I put ALL my trophies. I wonder if they all went to a secret trophy graveyard. Like elephants. We need display cases just to hold them all. I’m sure trophy company stocks ruled Wall Street in the 90’s, what with all that extra business they were doing.

Except, I don’t remember getting those trophies. Maybe I just don’t recall because I’m so desensitized from how frequently it happened.

Still, I don’t know anyone who owns a trophy case. I’ve never seen one. Maybe we were all also given secret storage lockers.

I don’t know.

Wait. If I was given these trophies, how is that my fault?

I mean I didn’t demand a trophy, while threatening my teachers…at least I don’t remember that…but I don’t remember.